The Root of Shame
I’ve recently been examining the feeling of shame, and it’s taken me to some interesting places.
I know, I know, I must be fun at parties.
In all seriousness, shame can surreptitiously weave itself into our relationships, both in and out of the workplace, which to me makes it an important topic for exploration. Plus, with plenty of firsthand experience, I feel well-qualified to write about the subject.
What is shame?
Merriam-Webster defines shame as “a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.”
As I sat with this emotion recently, what struck me anew was how shame doesn’t grow on its own; it requires the judgement of oneself against another to sprout up. At its root, it’s caused by a habit of comparison and the measurement of self against others.
Depending on the conditions, this habit of comparison can lead to feelings of inferiority (shame) or superiority (arrogance). Thus, shame and arrogance are two branches of the same tree, rooted in the same source. When we feel the sting of shame after falling short of our own expectations, we are experiencing the conditioned behavior of measuring ourselves against others.
Take a moment to reflect on whether this feels true for you. Do you notice the root of comparison in your relationships with others?
This habit is especially prevalent in the workplace, where we are often rewarded for being Number 1, subject to performance reviews that rank us against our peers, and exposed to how our metrics compare to those around us. In such environments, it’s easy to fall into the habit of comparing ourselves to others, which fuels both shame and arrogance. Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward breaking free from it.
Understanding this dynamic doesn’t mean that working hard and striving for improvement are any less important. Instead, it helps us alleviate the negative emotions that arise when we look for external validation.
Are there areas in your life where you feel rewarded for comparison? How does this shape your interactions and self-perception?
When we feel secure in ourselves, we don’t feel the need to use others as a measuring stick. We don’t strive to feel ‘better than’ or fear being seen as ‘less than.’ Instead, we start to accept what is, rather than wishing for what might be if conditions were different.
By shifting our focus from comparison to nurturing personal growth aligned with our own values and aspirations, we stop feeding the root of comparison. This change in approach allows us to cultivate a healthier sense of self-worth, reducing the growth of both shame and arrogance. It also enables us to shift our motivation from avoiding fears and negative emotions to actively pursuing our aspirations.
I invite you to ask yourself:
How might embracing a sense of inner security, independent of external comparisons, change my experience?
What might it look like to accept myself and others without needing to measure up or feel superior?
Awareness is the first step on the journey toward healing. Consider reaching out for support or starting a practice that helps you cultivate inner peace and self-acceptance. Whether you choose to work with a coach, seek support from a therapist, or connect with another trusted source, it’s a journey worth taking and can profoundly impact how you experience and engage with the world.
