Striving vs. Success
A former client, now dear friend, of mine recently shared some business and life updates with me. She was fresh out of a fight with the latest strand of COVID when we saw each other. It was her first time contracting the virus, she said, and it really took her out. She found herself at a complete standstill.
***
Through our work together, she’d realized she needed genuine, tangible, support from her employees. She assembled a team of true helpers and leaders for the first time in the existence of her teenage operation. She even started taking real vacations. It was a huge step forward! But each time she returned from those vacations, she went right back to filling her days to the brim with activity. Even though her team was capable and supportive, she hadn’t yet released the internal pressure to stay constantly busy. She still subconsciously believed that if she stopped moving, everything she had worked so hard to build might come crumbling down around her.
It took getting knocked out of the ring entirely - sick without a prayer of being able to work or take care of household chores - to see that although she had the team in place, some of her old beliefs and habits still lay between her current experience and the life she envisioned for herself. A life where she could spend some of her time slowed down, simply being, and still feel worthy.
She had operated in survival mode for so long, striving to keep everything afloat, that she never had the chance to explore what true mastery of her time and energy might look like. The constant activity had become a habit, even when it was no longer necessary. In order for her to move forward in a fundamentally new way, a structural dismantling had to occur. An opportunity to breakdown the idea that her survival was dependent on constant exertion.
***
Strangely enough, it was the Coronavirus that offered her this opportunity. When she began to “come back from the brink,” as she wryly dubs her COVID recovery, she recognized the opportunity to rebuild her daily structure in a totally new, significantly less effortful, way. No longer did she feel the need to fill all of her waking hours with doing. She still seemed astonished as she admitted to me that she’d cut the amount of ‘stuff’ she was doing on a daily basis in half. Then in half again. Yet somehow there she stood in front of me, in the reception area of her growing business, unscathed and more relaxed than I’d ever seen her.
We continued talking as she glanced down at the computer screen on the front desk to review the day’s cashflow. She looked up and exclaimed, “I can’t believe how good we’re doing this month! Every day when I check it, I’m amazed!” She couldn’t have scripted a better ending to the conversation. It was all a powerful reminder:
Striving isn’t a requirement for Success.
While purposeful effort and discipline are often required to achieve our goals, the way we engage with that effort is up to us. We can choose to move forward with ease and intention or allow ourselves to struggle unnecessarily through it. This begins with an internal shift, acknowledging the possibility of ease.
strive
/strīv/ verb
gerund or present participle: striving
make great efforts to achieve or obtain something.
struggle or fight vigorously.
Listening to her story got me thinking about learning how to swim. When we’re first dropped into the water, we flail around, limbs sprawling every which way with the singular goal of keeping our heads above the surface of the water. After attaining that basic level of competence, we focus on using our arms and legs in a coordinated fashion to propel ourselves in the direction we want to move. From here, the goal may shift to mastery through form. We learn to fine tune our movements and sail easily through the water. This takes a different, subtler energy than that frenetic, survival-driven thrashing we began with.
The shift to purposeful mastery is something we all face, often without realizing. Unlike in this swimming, life doesn’t always provide us with clear acknowledgments that we’re ready for the next stage; nor are the stages clearly marked. We may be moving through the water with the speed and tenure of a master, continuing to kick and flail because we never learned that there are easier ways to move around. We may have even been taught that flailing is a necessary part of life in all stages; that maximizing our potential should feel hard.
But just like the skilled swimmer, or my friend streamlining her daily activities, we’re presented with a choice. We can pause to reflect on the energy we’re expending and make adjustments. We can fine tune our efforts. We can reach out for help from a swim coach or other swimmers who have mastered the movements before us. We can relax into the water rather than fighting against it. We can experience success without striving.
